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1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. 2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud. 3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. 4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth. 5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. 6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. 7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. 8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. 9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. 10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas. 11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. 12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..." 13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard. 14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit. 15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O. 17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. 18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish. 19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot." 20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it. 22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace. 23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. 24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. 25.) More than half the droids you own don't function. 26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. 27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married. 28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth. 29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon. 30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. 31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama. 32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI. 33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent. 34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. 35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. 36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave. 37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber. 38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. 39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. 40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. 41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper. 42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you. 43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother... most of these came from the Star Wars database. Imperial Rhapsody, Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsoody, by Queen Top 10 Lists Top Ten Items in a Tatooine Convenience Store 10. Yoda Pop 9. Rebel Alliance Ice-cream bars 8. Chewie Tobacca 7. Hoth Slushies 6. Life-Sabers 5. Gummy Ewoks 4. Jolly Bantha Ranchers 3. Bobalicious Bubblegum 2. Death Starbursts 1. Jawabreakers Top Ten Reasons Star Wars is Better Than Star Trek 10. "Look sir, droids!" 9. no time travellers picking up their own heads 8. no alternate universes 7. no transporters to save your butt at the last minute 6. aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads 5. starship battles in three dimensions 4. war, not neutral zones! 3. no ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names 2. no holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors 1. Princess Leia in the slave girl outfit at Jabba's! Top Ten Star Wars-ish Things To Say When Your Parents Make a Surprise Visit to Your House or Dorm 10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use." 9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate." 8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get out of here pretty quick." 7. Say to them, as they come in the door, "You've got a lotta nerve coming in here, after what you pulled." 6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you! (distort your face) Then throw yourself down the nearest shaft. 5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay ______ (whatever the amount)... Have a friend yell, "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover) 4. If they ask why the place is in such a mess, reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them... I've let go of my conscious self and acted on instinct." 3. "I've got a bad feeling about this." 2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!" 1. If they ask how you are doing in school, say, "When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master." Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Plot Line Changes for the Special Editions 10. The stormtroopers kill Luke at his uncle's house. The movie ends. 9. Luke does *not* stay on target... but Porkins does! He blows up the Death Star, gets Leia, and spends the remainder of the trilogy in the Rebel cafeteria. 8. R2-D2 does *not* let the wookiee win, and Chewie tears him to shreds, causing C-3P0 to go into an uncharacteristic rage, culminating in his initiation of the Falcon's self-destruct sequence. 7. Obi-Wan and Vader settle their differences the old fashioned way... shoots! Best two out of three. 6. Leia falls for *both* Luke and Han, convincing them to leave the Rebellion in favor of the Corellian Pleasure Cruiser named "Jabba's Paradise" where the three spend their days engaging in unspeakable acts using the Force. 5. Luke's father turns out to be... Jabba the Hutt!! (Luke: nooooooo! Jabba: Ho, ho, ho!) 4. Darth Vader turns out to be Luke's mother - journey to the Dark Side indeed! 3. Vader loses the Death Star to Lando Calrissian in a game of Sabacc. 2. The Jawas, led by R2D2, and the Ewoks, led by Salacious Crumb, plunge into a 100-year war known as the "War of Who Gives a Rat's A**?" 1. Luke removes Vader's mask to reveal that he is... Jim "the anvil" Nightheart!! (Luke: nooooo! Vader: Nyaaaaahh!)
What I Learned from the Star Wars Trilogy 1. Do not trust men in black helmets. 2. It is not neccesary to be fluent in over six million forms of communication. 3. Don't start a relationship with someone and less you know you're not related to them. 4. Be kind to old senior citizens with dark robes on them. They could zap you with lightning bolts. 5. Cute, cuddly teddy bears will eat you unless they think you're a god. 6. A droid is more handy then a suiss army knife. 7. If you're an emperor, it is a must that you have a chair that turns without you doing anything. 8. Do not use targeting computers to blow up a Death Star. Trust the voices in your head. 9. If you have a droid with wheels, make sure it can go down steps, and through a thick forest like R2-D2. 10. Watch out for trees while on a speeder bike. 11. If you get your hand cut off buy a lightsaber, make sure your arm is hollow and doesn't bleed. 12. Ancient weapons and hoakey religions are a good match compared to a blaster at your side. 13. Always trust a two foot tall green man with pointy ears. 14. If you get an unwanted call then shoot the phone. 15. People frozen in carbonite make good wall decorations. 16. Thermal Detonators are good to have when trying to make a bargain with someone. 17. If you don't agree with someone, starngle them through the force. 18. Always let a Wookie win. 19. Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid. 20. Walk in single file to hide your numbers. 21. Never trust a strange computer. 22. Do or do not. There is no try. 23. Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our point of view. 24. Once you start down the dark side, forever will it dominate your destiny. 25. If you're driving a 150 foot tall Imperial Walker (AT-AT) that can blow up a Rebel base, watch out for tow cables. They could trip you.
Y.O.D.A. Sung to the theme of the YMCA YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, there's no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel! YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', Master Yoda not far. I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Don't just stand in the rain! You're all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud! OLD BEN, are you listenin' to me? I can't TEACH HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, if you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK* You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You should stay here and train! You don't have to save Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand! You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. (repeat and fade...) Why the Chicken Crossed the Road... the Star Wars drinking game
WHAT DO I NEED ??????
STAR WARS - A NEW HOPE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK RETURN OF THE JEDI (doesn't need to be special edition )
and Something to drink... doesn't matter what (Kool-Aid is better when around.... young... minds, otherwise, vodka or tequila(sp?) work well =-) )
WHAT ARE THE RULES ???? Print the following out for quick reference SCORING : 1 point for identifying a time to drink -1 point for drinking at the wrong time 10 points for being the first to throw up 100000000000000 points for making it through all three movies (not easy)
Drink whenever:
QUOTES : --Someone has a bad feeling about this. --It's their only hope. --Somebody gets choked. --A woman other than Leia is on screen.
--An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts) --Somebody's hand gets cut off. --A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast. --There is a tremor in the Force. --It's not someone's fault. --Someone exclaims "No!"
--Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea. --Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change in the end. --Someone is mind-controlled using the Force. --People kiss.
--An elaborately made up alien has no lines. --Someone or something tries to get money from Han. --Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
--Someone has a light saber duel. (Includes just using light saber) --An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen seconds. Count'em) --It is Luke's destiny.
--Luke whines. --Luke discovers a long-lost relative. --Luke fights monsters or savages.
--Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip. --Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm. --Luke is upside-down. --Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time. ==Twice if they speak to each other. --Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed. --Luke refuses to take someone's advice.
--Luke yells "Artoooooo!" --Leia insults somebody. --Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest apperance. --Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.")
--Han brags about the Millenium Falcon. --Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon. --Something doesn't work on the Falcon. ==Twice if it's the hyperdrive. --Yoda uses bad grammar. --R2-D2 gets trashed. --R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
--C-3PO makes a ridiculously accurate (and pessimistic) estimation of the chance of success/survival. --C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered)
--C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with. --A Rebel pilot says "Nice Shot...". --A Rebel pilot says "I've been hit...". --Tarkin brags about the Death Star. --The Emperor cackles evilly. --The Emperor has forseen something. --Boba Fett talks.
--Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming. --Stormtrooper armor proves useless. --Any Imperial ship is destroyed.
--A TIE fighter explodes for no reason. The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. Of course, ties are possible. If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.
I know, I know... this is BAD...
The Top Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars."
* New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself. * The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hutt. *Nwely-coloized Darth Vader is mauve. Jabba the Butt-Head saying. "Hehe . . . hehe. . . . she said,' Lay ya.' " * During one lonely night, Princess Leia finds R2-D2's special attachment. * Anti-fur activists from planets PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint. * He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensly. * Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Leia on the knee with a lightsaber. * Luke, accused of killing ex-wife, and advised by Obi-Wan to "Use the fifth, Luke." * Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C-3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees. * Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name. * New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee. * The X-wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell. * Disemembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's lightsaber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt. * Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian. * Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas. * Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky Mexican caddy. * Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin. * instead of "May the Force be with you," Obi-Wan says, "Show me the money!" * Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great grandfather. * Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of trekkies. * New scene in which Jabba is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons. * R2-D2. gay?
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